When I was still single, I thought true Christians do n’t have a crisis in their marriage. I used to underrate the spirituality of Christian couples that I learnt did have issues with their marriage. I never expected Christian couples to have disagreement nor crisis, but reality dawned on me when I got married. After I got married, I realised that disagreement was part of the marital journey; it is through it that couples get to know each other more. However, if it is not properly handled, it could result in a crisis.
One thing I have discovered that fuels disagreement between husband and wife is defence.
Whenever there is any disagreement between a couple, each feels innocent, most times the husband would expect the wife to accept the blame but the wife would also like to defend herself, and it sometimes leads to crisis. In my own case, I would always want to prove my innocence and in the process, what was a simple misunderstanding would turn into a quarrel.
What has really helped me so far, is what I discovered about Jesus during his trial. When he was taken before the high priest, the high priest asked him of the false witness the Jews brought against him but Jesus did not utter a word (Mark.14:60-61)His being quiet did not mean Jesus was afraid of anyone nor was he handicapped from defending himself, but Jesus demonstrated his extraordinary strength and dignity.
Some typical characteristics Jesus displayed
He did not resist
He did not cry out to defend himself against the false accusations
He did not rail against his enemies
He did not protect his innocence
He did not expose the lies of his accusers
Have you been accused falsely by your spouse over an offence you did not commit? Maybe you are contemplating defending yourself because you feel keeping quiet renders you guilty of the purported offence. Trying to defend yourself may not solve the problem, in most cases, it would rather fuel the problem. Whenever a man is angry over something, he does not like to hear any explanation from you, if you do; he considers it as a form of intimidation.
How to handle your aggrieved spouse
So what do you do when your spouse accuses you of something you feel you are innocent of? Simply do the following:
- Give your spouse wrap attention, and listen to him carefully so that you don’t misunderstand him.
- stay calm, don’t rush to answer your spouse. When you stay calm, it would help you to compose yourself.
- Pray to God in your mind for grace to control your emotions.
- think about what Christ would have done if he were in your position.
- Ask God to give you discernment; whether you need to talk or keep quiet. If you are to talk, what you would say.
- Wait for the appropriate time to respond to your spouse; when his mood is welcoming.
- Speak to him with wisdom, and with a soft tune.
- Don’t defend yourself, only explain the exact situation.
- If he is still not convinced, apologise; it will not reduce anything in you rather it would add to your dignity. Your husband has a conscience; he will discover the truth and will appreciate your humility. He may not tell you, but he will respect you for it.
As humans, we feel cheated when our rights are trampled upon and we are unable to defend ourselves. But with prayers, God will always grant us the grace to overcome our emotions. Sometimes I am tempted to feel that I need to defend myself so that my husband would not take advantage and feel he is always right. But it is not about proving right, it is about bringing honour to Christ and letting his peace reign your marriage. When we allow Christ to have his way in our lives, he makes us see things in his own perspective, so that those issues that ordinarily would have made us explode will turn out to mean nothing.
When we allow Christ to have his way in our lives, he makes us see things in his own perspective, those issues that ordinarily would have made us explode will turn out to mean nothing.. Click To Tweet
Jesus is always available to help you in your time of need; just turn to him when things go the opposite in your marriage. He will surely give you direction, and you would discover that the very words that used to stir your mind against your husband no longer have any effect on your feelings, rather you remain calm and peaceful. This is how the grace of God works.